We just got married. Now, we're in LDR.

January 4, 2018

 

 

 

Two weeks and three days ago, PM and I got married. It was the happiest day of my life. PM is my sunshine, and now that he is my husband, I am assured that everything will always be okay. No matter how many depressive episodes I have or how severe my anxiety attacks could (which, thankfully, I haven't had recently), things will turn out fine because he is with me. 

 

But now, he is away. And he will be away from me for a year because he got assigned to teach abroad. I know that distance won't change how we feel for each other. It won't tear us apart. Our love will always be there. But honestly, I don't know what to do. 

 

It's as if the solid ground I am standing on has crumbled, and now, I am falling into an abyss. I can't see the bottom. And I don't have anything or anyone to hold on to because PM is the one keeping me together. He believes in me, though. That I am strong and I can "do it" without him by my side. That I am now doing so much better than I was before. As I've said, I haven't had any depressive episodes recently, and it is a very good sign. 

 

How I wish I see myself that way, too. The truth is I am scared. One year isn't that long, but it feels like eternity to me. He'll come home every quarter because his students overseas will be doing their fieldwork here. It shouldn't be that difficult, but it is only the should. It is not what is. It is difficult for me, and I think it's just as difficult for him, too. We got married two weeks ago, but now, we are apart. We only had two weeks to be with each other as husband and wife. I wasn't prepared for him to leave. I didn't even take him to the airport because I couldn't bear seeing him leave. 

 

 

PM told me to list down the things that I would do whenever I miss him, and then go do them. It's similar to my psychiatrist's homework for me: to list down the things that make me happy and do at least one of those things every day. Whenever I miss PM, I watch our wedding SDE (same day edit) video. It doesn't matter if I am home or I am in the train on my way to work. I watch the video so I can look back on that day and be reminded of how much we love each other. 

 

I also wear one of  his shirts when I sleep. It's the closest thing I can get to being with him. Even if I am busy with work, I miss him every minute. I try not to count the days and weeks. I always tell myself that time goes by quickly. Soon, he will come home and be with me. 

 

I'll be seeing Dr. G (my psychiatrist) soon. I told her that I no longer want to take my meds so when we try to have a baby, I will be ready. Dr. G told me we will discuss my treatment options on my next visit. 

 

 

Apart from missing PM so much, I think I don't have anything to worry about. I am no longer insecure of Z. I have a new job and my officemates are pleasant to work with. There's a park beside our office where I can stay or chill out for a bit whenever I need a break. My favorite coffee shop is at that park and I can get a cup of warm vanilla and be reminded of my very first date with PM (when we were still Tinder users who became a match hehehe). These things may seem small and simple, but they make each day without him bearable. 

 

Before PM left, I promised him that I would take care of myself so he wouldn't worry about me. I may not have made this promise at the altar, but it is just as solid as the vows we exchanged. Our situation is just the start of a perfectly imperfect married life. It's the first chapter in our #FromTinderToForever. I know that PM is doing his best to stay strong, so I'll do the same, too. Our love for each other will be my sunshine, and this should drive the dark clouds of depression away. 

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