Crumbling blocks

July 19, 2017

 

​I have been having depressive episodes these past few days. They are not as bad as my episodes before. But I know that all-too-familiar heavy feeling. I start my day just fine, go about my usual activities, then all of a sudden, depression hits me. I feel like something gets injected into my veins, and then life drains out of me. 

 

I then find myself just lying flat on my bed. My back hurts--probably because of poor posture, but I don't know, maybe my emotional pains are manifesting physically, too. Whenever this happens, I text my fiance PM, my friend Pam, or both of them. The first question that PM would ask is this: "Any particular trigger?" And most of the time, my answer would be thoughts of *Z. 

 

I do not know how thoughts of her still manage to creep into my peaceful life. I am doing fine. At times, I can say that I am doing great. Until that one tiny moment--one seemingly insignificant second--that she would creep in and bang! Imagine abruptly pulling out a piece from a stock of Jenga blocks. No matter how sturdy and beautiful it stands, the stack crumbles in an instant. It's the same with my mood whenever Z comes in. 

 

I have been told a lot of times by well-meaning people that I should just let this go. How I wish it is that easy to do. How I wish that I could just command my mind to push thoughts of Z away. That when she knocks, my mind would just slam the door on her, and she would just go away. 

 

I try to distract myself, too. I read (Kevin Kwan's Crazy, Rich Asians and China Rich Girlfriend are hilarious, as well as Sophie Kinsella's books). I go online and see what I can do to improve my website (I am new to this. Having your own website is different from simply having a blog at Blogger.com). Or I just watch different YouTube videos (right now, I am into gymnastics videos). There are many ways to divert my mind's focus. Sometimes, I succeed, but other times, I don't. 

 

But still, I take comfort in the fact that I am doing better compared to how I was before. I no longer feel as miserable. Z no longer has the power to push me into hurting myself. I still feel insecure of her, but not as much as I was before. 

 

And besides, good things have been happening to me, too. My novel is now published online as a serialized piece (read it here). I finally have my own website (enjoy looking around!). Wedding preparations have been going smoothly so far. These things are my happy thoughts, and these are the things I am thankful for. I am training my mind to shift focus on these whenever Z comes bothering me again. It is not easy, but I have to keep trying. I have to. I have already made significant progress, and I cannot just give up. 

 

 

*My fiance's ex. Read about her in my old blog posts.

 

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