My depressive episode and anxiety attack wrecked my birthday


Yesterday was my birthday. But it didn't feel any different because I was having a depressive episode. I have been in a dip for more than two weeks now, and it is so exhausting.

October is my favorite month (next to December) because it is my birth month. I used to feel giddy come October 1, and that would last until the thirty-first. I would celebrate my birthday on October 9, and it wouldn't be like any other day. It would be brighter, happier, and more special.

But yesterday, it wasn't. I turned 29 with a frown on my face and a crushed spirit. The moment I opened my eyes, I got filled with dread and fear. I was scared of everything and everyone. My blanket felt like a shield protecting me.

My back was hurting, too. I've noticed that every time I have anxiety attacks or depressive episodes, my back would hurt. I have scoliosis but that is not the problem. My muscles would feel stiff. They would feel sore even if I didn't do any strenuous activity. I don't know if my episodes are connected to physical pain, but they strike together.

I spent the first half of the day in bed. I didn't eat breakfast. I had my first meal at 12 noon. I didn't have the energy to do anything, not even to move. I just wanted to stay in bed.

In the afternoon, I felt a little better. I took a shower, then I wrote an article for a project I am a part of. At six in the evening, my fiance PM and I went out for dinner. We went to Cafe Adriatico in Malate, the same restaurant where we celebrated my 27th birthday.

My mood continued to improve little by little. PM and I enjoyed our salad, our entree (he had this chicken dish with mashed potato and steamed vegetables, and I had the Sole Toscana fillet with linguine), and our dessert (blueberry cheesecake, one of Cafe Adriatico's bestsellers). I must admit that the food put a smile on my face, and PM was happy that my appetite was good, in contrast to my morning when I didn't want to eat anything.

The day ended with me just feeling okay. I didn't want my birthday to be just okay, but what could I do? When your mood is out of whack, it's useless wrestling with it. It's what mental illness does to you. No matter how miserable I felt yesterday, I just couldn't bring myself to be 100 percent happy. Dark clouds were surrounding me, and I simply couldn't drive them away.

The month of October still has 21 remaining days. I am wishing that the coming days would be better. I had a miserable birthday. I can't bear to have a miserable birth month.

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